Parenting School Age Children

Archive for the ‘Relationship Issues’ Category

Do you know the story of Lazarus? It is a Bible story (John 11:1-45 to be exact) that is a favorite in Sunday school circles. Lazarus’ plot recalls the story of the Messiah, who traveled for a couple of days to raise his dead friend back to life. Kids love the story for its famous ending; parents can get an awful lot of parenting advice out of it – even if they are not religious.

For example, did you realize that Jesus Christ didn’t immediately drop anything and everything to come to his dead friend’s aid? Instead, he didn’t get to Bethany until Lazarus had been entombed for a total of four days (and most likely smelling a bit ripe at that point).

Moreover, way ahead of time he told his friends that Lazarus had indeed died. When Christ finally did arrive, he first tended to the deceased man’s sisters and then went on his way to the tomb. Cynics in the crowd wondered why Jesus hadn’t arrived sooner. In the end, Jesus miraculously raised the dead man and ordered to let him go.

What does this have to do with parenting?

Consider this:

• A significant sickness was not enough to hinder Christ’s action. The same holds true in parenting; there is no behavior so egregious that a parent’s love does not set out to conquer all.
• Jesus did not give up or hurry along once he knew Lazarus had died. Helicopter parents take note: he allowed the consequences of death to torment the sisters as well as the community. At times, children must ‘marinade’ in the results of their actions before parental rescue occurs. Mary and Martha would never be the same; the same holds true for children who live through the consequences of their actions. Please note: Jesus was in control of the situation at all times; parents can only take a cue from this story (in this regard) if they can be in control of the situation at all times.
• Jesus went to Bethany, a town where not too much earlier the Jews attempted to stone him to death. He willingly put himself in physical danger to help his friend. Parents must willingly go where angels fear to tread; is the child withdrawn or hangs out at the mall each day? The parent must meet the youngster on his turf. Do not try to ‘summon’ the child for a heart to heart talk or parental action. Instead, go to where the child is – physically, mentally or spiritually.
• The Messiah was very clear in telling his friends that Lazarus was dead. Parents are sometimes told – very plainly – that their children are out of control and need help. School aged children in particular fall under a lot of scrutiny and parents are still a lot more involved than they will be in the teen years. Jesus’ friends listened; parents should heed the warnings of their friends as well.
• The cynics in the crowd criticized Jesus for his slowness of action. Parents must be aware that (fellow-) helicopter parents will most likely point accusing fingers in their direction. Should they be acting sooner? It depends on each individual situation but parenting should not be determined by peer pressure.

Isn’t it amazing how the story of Lazarus can actually be translated into a bona fide ‘how to’ on parenting?

Children thrive in a stable home environment. Notwithstanding the foregoing, parents oftentimes find themselves in more of a long-distance relationship than with an actual in-home presence of one spouse. This is due, in part, to the globalization of the workforce that requires extensive travel and also stints at far-away locales.

Another reason for long-distance relationships is enlistment in the armed forces. This makes spouses oftentimes wonder about the best ways of surviving a long-distance relationship that protects the integrity of the family unit.

Wait, a community made up of participants in long-distance relationships, outlines that approximately 2.9 percent of marriages are considered to be long-distance relationships. One in 10 marriages features prolonged periods during which they would have fallen under the heading of being long-distance. For the year 2005, this translated into 3,500,000 Americans involved in a long-distance marriage relationship.

Saying good-bye time and again is not only hard on the spouses but also the children. Surviving a long-distance relationship is especially tough on youngsters, who do not feel the empowerment to maintain the child-parent relationship. While the spouses may engage in emailing one another frequently, chatting online or calling whenever the urge hits, the child bears the separation alone.

That being said, there are some steps insightful parents may take to help children survive a long-distance relationship and still maintain some closeness with the missing parent:
• As soon as it is age appropriate, the child should receive a basic cell phone with text message capabilities. This presents an opportunity to share thoughts and feelings as they occur, even if they do not receive an immediate response from the absent parent.
• If age-appropriate, a child should receive a (heavily privacy-protected) Facebook page that s/he can use to interact with the missing parent. Both can post pictures, thoughts, little messages and also capitalize on the instant message feature. This is a great before-bedtime activity.
• The absent parent and the child may participate in (age appropriate) online MMORPGs together. Gaming online together is a great way of building closeness while also having fun.

Of course, the best scenario possible if for the child to not have the need for learning how to survive a long-distance relationship with a parent in the first place. Whenever possible, parents must strive to keep the family unit in place and perhaps forgo promotions or job offers that require extensive travel.